Why Me (Miscarriage)
The Lord giveth and He taketh away. Ah, how that hurts right now!!
Why can’t that just be about summer to winter or sunrise to sunset. But for some it means something different. For me it meant my unborn child at 13 weeks. For me it's a family member I will never get to physically hold here on earth. For me it's a fourth sibling my kids won’t grow up with. For me it's a pain I will have to have to trust the Lord with and his healing grace.
It all started with a positive pregnancy test. We were so excited to be pregnant again. We have had a “chemical pregnancy” in the past with a positive pregnancy test and two days later bleeding. This time I was nervous it would happen again, but it didn’t. I had multiple blood draws and check ups for baby, a 6 week scan that looked beautiful. Then we had the 12 week scan. I was so relieved. Baby was moving a ton, sucking their thumb, waving, and a beautiful heart rate of 165. That day I talked to the OB about how baby looked great, and we were even talking about delivery. So naturally we started thinking about baby stuff and planning to tell our family. We have three kids and never had issues during pregnancy. The thought was nothing would be different. I went away for a Creighton conference that week, and everything seemed normal. I got home that Sunday, 13 weeks along now, and my husband and son left for camp. I was having a fun week with my youngest children and even had a playdate before my 13 week appointment. I will never forget that moment when the assistant tried to find the heart beat, then the nurse, and then off to the ultra sound with my two little kids. Then my greatest fear happened. There was no heart beat. I sobbed, and my children sat there watching a movie on my phone, unable to understand what was happening.
The next step was to have the baby. I ended up with an emergency DNC and almost died from blood loss of an estimated 1.6L and blood pressure of 46/40 in the recovery room. Two transfusions, 5 liters of fluid, and a couple rounds of vasopressors later, I was saved by God and the medical staff. I then had to stay the night and finally got home the next evening physically exhausted and emotionally drained. The next couple days, weeks, and month was hard. Luckily I agreed to a meal train and people checked in on me. My husband was able to get a week's bereavement from work and was able to help at home.
The recovery was hard, but with so much community support and a meal train, we survived. In this hard story of mine, there is so much grace and love that the Lord has shown me. I can’t believe how people showed up for us in the worst of our pain, all because I was willing to share and not drive alone. This piece is so hard because I never know how people will react. Reaching out to my friends gave me resources to heal such as burying my baby at the cemetery, a casket made and blessed by monks, and funeral home willing to get my baby from the hospital to bury, and all of this for free. I was in awe. It was so beautiful to have the closure of burying my baby and knowing I brought dignity back to my baby. This does not mean you should feel bad if you weren’t able to do this or did not know of the resources, but if anyone reading this ever experiences this kind of loss, I want you to know that there are resources out there.
What I have realized is God still has work for me here on earth and my guardian angel worked hard that night of the DNC. God is good even if we can’t see the why of a situation, somethings we will never know until the other side of heaven. My heart still hurts for my lost baby and all the shattered dreams of the future. Healing and grief is not linear. You can go back and forth between stages, and that’s normal, I have learned to give myself grace in this area. If I start crying for no reason, that’s ok, and if I don’t cry, that’s ok.
One thing I realized is we can make an inner vow that can stop healing, such as I never will be pregnant again because this hurts so bad. This is not good and can stop the healing needed. I realized the psalm the Lord is my shepherd I shall not want, now has a deeper meaning. I realize fertility in itself is not mine to manipulate but to be given to God to ask for His wisdom in it all. None of us likes the uncomfortable, but we must embrace it if we want to change. Being uncomfortable to tell others, to tell your story, to have a funeral because you don’t know who will show up, to have a meal train. But through doing the uncomfortable we were able to see the the love of God through the others around us. So many have shared their experience with miscarriage and have reached out to me. There was so much wisdom and comfort in not feeling alone and knowing someone can relate. I pray that you read this and feel comfort, not comparison, and know you are not alone. This is a club I never imagined I would be a part of, but I am humbled that God chose me to help support others during a time of pain and need. Sister, I see you, I hear you, my heart breaks for you, and I pray for your healing and renewal in the Lord's love and will for you.
Here are some resources that I found extremely helpful and healing
Books: Be healed, Grace like Scarlett
Funeral home: Gorseline Runciman in Lansing
Cemetery: St. Joseph of Lansing
Caskets: Trappist Caskets
Your local diocese should be able to direct you to resources in your area.
Our fertility care practitioners are here to support you as well.