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  • Writer's pictureDaria Bailey, CFCP

Forgiveness is Healing...Especially Forgiving Yourself

A simple note with a complex meaning to all the ladies who have experienced loss.

Miscarriage happens to 1 in 4 women. We have discussed this topic before, and it is a difficult one to address. When a woman suffers a miscarriage, there is more to it than the loss of a child. Miscarriage comes with immense emotional and mental turmoil. The feelings associated with losing a baby can be overwhelming and even consuming.

After my second miscarriage, I felt that my body had failed me. I had carried two beautiful, healthy babies before; why was it not working this time? The sense that your body has failed or betrayed you cuts to the very core of who we are as women. This all-consuming feeling of failure can be hard to articulate and even harder to discuss with loved ones. As women, our bodies are literally made to create new life, and when they can't, you feel broken.

Miscarriage is more than the physical act of losing a baby. The loss of a child begins a domino effect. The physical pain and grief of a miscarriage, mixed with the shattered dream of motherhood, trigger a host of symptoms. Not only is your hope and desire of being a mother dashed, but your partner's hope for parenthood is gone as well. The ongoing question of "why?" can monopolize your thoughts, and the grief can be paralyzing. The initial feeling of failure is hard enough and can feel never-ending. Each day can be an emotional rollercoaster.

Having a miscarriage is indeed a horrible loss. Your heart is broken. What are you supposed to do with all the hurt inside you? First, I hope you allow yourself to feel and experience the hurt. I hope you share and experience the hurt with your partner. Take the time you need to grieve and process your loss. There is no timeline in this situation. You deserve to take the time to find your peace again. Finally, work on forgiving yourself.

It can be very easy to feel like you did something to cause your miscarriage. You might replay your actions leading up to it, wondering if you did something wrong. The answer is no. No, you did nothing wrong. No, the glass of wine you had before you knew you were pregnant did not cause it. Your exercise routine did not cause it. Eating a sub sandwich did not cause it. The list goes on. You did not do this.

Although you might feel betrayed by your body, it is important to forgive it. You are not broken. You are not a disappointment or a hindrance to your life with your partner. Forgive yourself and your body for the loss. Fill your mind with good things and good thoughts. In the days and weeks after your miscarriage, take care of yourself. Do not seek answers right away; allow yourself to sit in the moment and process all that has happened. Doing this can make forgiving yourself a bit easier. The healthiest thing you can do for yourself after a loss is to take care of yourself. Forgiving yourself can take time, but it is time well spent—time that will allow you to move forward and find the peace that was taken from you through this experience.

If you or someone you know is seeking help after a miscarriage, please reach out to one of our practitioners. We are here to walk with you in your grief and to help you find the answers you are searching for. Help is out there, and we are more than willing to help you find it.

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