To Be Open to Life is to Be Open to Death

To be open to life is to be open to death. After our first pregnancy ended in a miscarriage at 15 weeks gestation and which also risked my life, I became acutely aware of this. And while I rarely, if ever, vocalized this acute knowledge, I knew it deep down. With 7 subsequent pregnancies (three of which were miscarriages) over the course of 13 years, I felt that sting of knowing that to be open to life is to be open to death. Open to the death of the baby and open to the death of yourself (or spouse for the men out there). This painful reality is not often talked about during marriage prep or by those assisting couples in discerning their family size, but it is incredibly important to both recognize and have empathy for. So frequently we (Catholics) just throw out the "every act of intercourse needs to be open to life" comment and go about our business when having these conversations.

Fun aside, Humanae vitae doesn't say that every act of intercourse needs to be open to life. It's true. It actually teaches that "each and every marital act must of necessity retain its intrinsic relationship to the procreation of human life" (HV 11) which is very different from being open to life. But that is for a different post although it is an incredibly important distinction for many reasons.

Now back to my topic at hand - Many Catholics, seeking to follow the Church's teaching against contraception, will blindly say that every act of intercourse must be "open to life" without giving much thought to idea that being open to life means being open to death. Each pregnancy runs with it the risk of miscarriage, stillbirth, infant loss, child loss, and loss of the mother. I've been astonished on more than one occasion to hear someone sanctimoniously declare that a couple is not being "open to life" when they discern that they are not planning any more pregnancies. Or I've heard people pass judgement on others when they've suffered from multiple losses but have discerned that they will continue to try and achieve. It is always a mystery to me why some people find other people's family size so darn interesting. Like there's some sort of test that the perfect family size (whatever that means) shows that you're "Catholic enough" or "financially responsible" or "know how to keep your pants on," or whatever the one doing the judging has decided is right and appropriate. I have a friend who has been on the receiving end of that judgement on more than one occasion. She has had 9 losses ranging in gestational age from very early to full term. She said to me one day "well, I have a Catholic mom van in Heaven." Ouch.

I've been teaching and running this diocesan NFP thing for a living for almost a decade, and I realized very early on how important it is to help couples discern their family size without feeling condemned by other Catholics, the secular world, the lady at the grocery store who really just doesn't understand that yes, I do know how this happens, or that one lady at the Secretary of State who asked me if they all had the same last name. And one area of discernment that I am always clear with couples about is their loss history. There are so many couples that have lost a child or have had a near loss of the mother who factor this in to their discernment process. It's the vulnerability and witness of these beautiful couples seeking to do the will of God who inspire me and keep me motivated.

I've had the privilege of being involved with Red Bird Ministries for a little over a year now in my diocesan capacity. This ministry accompanies parents through child loss. My work has been with women who have suffered from miscarriage, stillbirth, and infant loss although Red Bird offers ministry at all stages of loss from pregnancy through adult loss. One thing that has stuck with me since beginning with this ministry is that being open to life means being open to death. I've sat with grieving mothers who are terrified to become pregnant again or who have had their marriages torn apart by their loss. It's devastating. I've also had the privilege of watching the Lord heal their broken hearts and move forward. While that healing is sometimes slow, I've also seen miraculous things happen too. I, myself, have found peace and healing. I've also been one of those people who factors loss history into the intention to achieve or avoid.

For those of you discerning your family size, your loss history is absolutely valid to factor into your decision. For those of you who have suffered a loss (even if you're fine - trust me - I was also "fine"), prayerfully discern how God is offering you healing and consider a healing retreat. For those of you who know someone who has suffered a loss, pray for them and consider how you can walk with them. For priests and deacons, consider some specialized training in walking couples through child loss. And while it's not healthy to dwell on the openness to death, it is not unreasonable for all of us (no matter the stage in life) to remember that being open to life means being open to death. And for all the couples out there seeking some guidance on discerning family size, talk to your Groesbeck practitioner. While there is not specific training (other than what I've done) for this, our practitioners have lived this reality of discernment and we can offer our experience, and confidentiality as you work through it.