To Do or To Be?

On this day, where we celebrate Ss. Martha, Mary, and Lazarus, I have been reflecting on the femininity of Martha and Mary and their different approaches to Jesus's arrival in Luke 10: 38-42. This passage invites us, as women, to open up the question, "to do or to be?" Martha, upon hearing of Jesus's arrival welcomes him and prepares for him to stay. Martha becomes dismayed at her sister, Mary, who chooses to listen to Jesus speak rather than worry herself with doing things for Jesus. She chooses to just be with Jesus. When Martha implores Jesus to chastise Mary so that Mary will help Martha, Jesus explains to Martha that she is too anxious and worried about things and that Mary has chosen the "better part." While this passage is exceptionally short, it is deeply personal for women as it touches on our very nature.

It is in our nature to nurture, prepare, and welcome the other. Our bodies speak this reality most profoundly in pregnancy and motherhood. But even if we are not yet mothers, we are still wired this way. We find ourselves busily doing for the other at both a physiological level, but also emotionally, psychologically, spiritually and physically (our actual activity). I have witnessed this more times than I can count, and I am confident when I say that "women (especially wives and mothers) give, and give, and then give some more." It is this part of Martha's femininity that is so striking in this passage. I can relate with her busyness and dismay at doing it by herself on a very personal level. When I'm not working my full-time job, sitting on 2 nonprofit Boards of Directors, finishing my PhD, or teaching Creighton, I am a Director of Athletic Transportation and Compliance, Director of Calendar Integration,  Referee, Human Resources Manager, Sanitation and Facilities Director, Chief Wellness Officer, Supply Chain Manager, Executive Chef and Culinary Acquisition Specialist, Chief Financial Officer and Accountant, Chief Wellness and Minor Injury Response Officer, VP of Evening Wind-Down Operations, Director of Outdoor Aesthetic Preservation, and Animal Husbandry Coordinator who specializes in Inter-Species Relations... AKA "mom." I have spent many an hour completely dumbfounded at a room that was clean when I left (to go start a load of laundry) only to return 15 minutes later (because I got side tracked by any number of minor childhood emergencies) only to return to a room that now has 10,000 toys, 12 couch cushions, and 75 blankets, laying on the floor with milk dribbling out of a "spill proof" sippy cup sitting on top of it all. While my minimalist midlife crisis last fall (more on that another time) sorted out some of this chaos, the fact still remains that I give, and give, and give some more only to have someone else who is "living in the present" either undermine the situation or simply just not help me with the thing that needs to be done. Martha. I. Get. You.

I empathize with Martha so much (I named one of my daughters after her) that I feel this twinge of pain when Jesus says to her "Martha, Martha, you are anxious and worried about so many things. There is need of only one thing. Mary has chosen the better part and it will not be taken from her." (41-42) Ouch. My recovering Type-A personality really doesn't like to hear this. But in this, is the Lord's gentle voice repeating her name twice. Just as I would say to my little Martha when she's doing something "Martha, Martha. My little love. This is not good for you." Jesus reminds us that our "doing" which is part of our nature as women cannot consume and overtake our "being" which is our birth rite. It is not good for us.

As a human, made in the image and likeness of God, we have an innate dignity. This dignity demands that we are loved and taken care of. When we were children, we relied on our parents for this. As adults, we often have to rely on ourselves for this. Mary, in recognizing her need to be loved and cared for, sits at the feet of Christ and listens to him speak. She soaks in the "one thing" needed at that moment, Jesus and his teachings, and is filled. In modern terms, we may call this "self-care." It is the part that must come first simply because we have innate dignity which demands that we are loved and cared for. In my favorite spiritual book of all time, The Soul of the Apostolate, Jean-Baptiste Chautard decries the idea that Christian disciples are channels of Christ's love and teachings. Rather, he postulates that we are reservoirs which are first filled and then overflow with Christ's love and teachings without being emptied. We cannot give what we do not have. It is Mary who exemplifies this so beautifully while Jesus lovingly reminds Martha that she's not filling her reservoir.

I started on a self-care journey in 2019 which prioritized working routines and expectations around reality. No, I will not respond to work texts on weekends. No, I will not answer emails at 10pm. Yes, you will earn 100 years in Purgatory for hitting "reply-all" unnecessarily. Just kidding. Maybe not. The jury is still out on that one. But I digress... this self care journey has slowly morphed into taking time for my self to breath each day (for real... diaphragmatic breathing), prayer, exercise, reading, etc... While I have made a lot of headway on getting help around the house from my kids as they grow and from my husband in his slow season (he's a seasonal worker so we have to shift expectations around this), I still return to my inner Martha on occasion (usually when we're having a big party at the house and need to clean... I'm looking at you, Martha Jean, turning 4 this upcoming weekend) and think "why aren't they helping me?" Then I have to remind myself to choose the "better part." Who cares if the house is magazine perfect. It will never be, because we LIVE in it! But I am a work in progress-a messy, lively, beautiful, work in progress. Just like so many of my sisters out there.

If you've made it this far, first, you deserve a medal for staying with me, and second, you may be wondering how on earth any of this relates to the Creighton Model FertilityCare System (CrMS) or NFP in general. You're in luck! I am about to explain. In reflecting on this passage for this blog post, I started thinking about how some of the women I work with are Martha charters and others are Mary charters. My Martha charters, who are "anxious and worried about many things" often struggle with one of two things 1) over charting/adding in extras or 2) no time to chart charters. My over charters lean towards writing EVERY observation down and struggle with decision fatigue (AKA they cannot identify a Peak Day). These beautiful ladies often self describe as Type-A and want to ensure that nothing gets left off. These are also the ladies who have a tendency to use LH strips, Basal Body Temp, or other non-CrMS things on their charts. My no time to chart charters are often overextended. They tell me things like "I do not have time to wipe because I am in too much of a hurry" or they will describe their hectic lives that leave no time for making observations or charting. They are exhausted. My Mary charters, on the other had, approach CrMS as self-care. They take time to let the learning process unfold, and they view charting as an act of self-love (even if they don't say it in those words). These women learn at a natural, more even pace and tend to feel more peace about their chart and what it is revealing about their bodies. As a Creighton Practitioner, I love to see Mary charters discover how amazing their bodies are (even when they're not working quite like they were designed to). Women who approach CrMS as self-care often get the most out of it. I would venture to say, after chatting with my fellow NFP teachers, that this isn't a Creighton specific thing and that all NFP methods notice similar charting styles. If you're reading this and find that you are a Martha charter, I'd like to encourage you to view your chart as self-care. Contemplate what it means to care for your body first and foremost and try to choose "the better part" and work on ways not to be so "anxious and worried about many things." I have found The Mindful Catholic by Dr. Greg Bottaro to be exceptionally helpful. You can also work with your Creighton Practitioner to develop some strategies to help move into a more Mary mindset. Happy feast of Ss. Martha, Mary, and Lazarus!